Collar    

                    

a summer visit long ago

brother, sis and nephews

“puppies! we have puppies uncle rob!”

twirling, falling, running, underfoot fur

one often apart from the brood

walking around a corner, two brown eyes survey me

white band of fur encircles neck

“we named him Collar” nephews declare

another moment

another corner I turn

two brown eyes

circle of white

“he chooses you” she said

“take him when you go”

how can I with condo hip car slick exec?

I have no time for fur

two brown eyes

they spoke to me

wake up!

think how good it will be

papers, rules, logistics

weeks later

jetset fur takes flight with smelly shirt

tiny cage, alone, plane noise: fear

new home: comfy cage, toys in condo chic

my queen bed not in plan

but best laid plans…

brown eyes wake with me

friends say he cries when I am gone

eyes fill with joy on my return

face to fur and muzzle

wet hello

bouncy walks along the country lane

darts into woods and reappears in distance

his head turns down and rockets to me

joy joy joy

over years old companions we become

best friends through thin

no wavering through thick

without condition

addiction creeps into my home

silent deadly footfalls

on knees I weep to god

Collar whines and paces; unsure of what to do

lonely nights in fear

danger echoes within painful days

my head against the breathing fur

comfort mine to take

coming out the other side

bouncy walks re-appear

monsters once in bed with me

go to sleep

time reaches out to my friend

his waking seems so hard

walking stiff and hurt

brown eyes reach out to me

before our last car trip

a last glance at bowl and leash

many last time moments

it’s time for Collar to rest

my face to moist nose

my arms embrace

my god

my dog

ampere premiere

daytime at canopy

on earth night tide washes over me

twilight between

silent sentries stand by the hundreds

light streaks through

path worn, firm

soft hard under my shoes

earth, stick, stone, stick, earth

electric nerve

from toe to brain

I spy leaf, moss, grass, needles

more shades than webster knows

apple, hunter, india, mint,

iris to grey matter

they all live in me

neuroelectric  pictures in my head

Just today

Who knows what mysteries lurk deep in the heart of a writer, therapist, paramedic, accountant nerd. I sure don't. The more I dive into the mysteries of my clients, the more I realize what little I know about myself.

I've been busily studying Imago Relationship Therapy with it's theory of unconscious desires and expectations people have of each other. Sometimes I think it's a miracle that anyone stays together ever!

So what's going on in the inaccessible portion of MY brain?

Don't know so I guess I'll focus on the fact that spring is actually here with summer not far behind.  This place (North Idaho) dramatically transforms in the summer to a kind of paradise. I takes an annual long hard winter once a year to see and appreciate that.

This last winter was one of the toughest I'v ever waded through so I'm really looking forward to the changes warm weather may bring.

The Room With Many Windows

It was our TV room.  The focal point was a 1959 Zenith portable black and white TV that had the annoying habit of losing its vertical hold thus making the picture flip over and over, making it un-watchable until someone got up to play with the “vertical hold dial” until it became stable.  The TV sat on a low table and was next to the door that led out into the back yard that was filled with the promise of adventure in the woods and undiscovered neighborhoods. A giant maroon couch sat opposite; somehow garnered from my grandparents.  I remember it being big enough to hold myself along with two brothers and two sisters.

One wall was filled with double-pane windows, each of which opened with a crank.  I once broke one of those expensive windows with a championship-like 3 wood from the far reaches of the back yard.  It seemed impossible that the house was at risk at that distance, but my 7 year old brain was wrong.

Along the opposite wall were light colored wood bookshelves with cabinets beneath which contained my entire collection of toys including beloved GI Joes and a matchbox car collection.  One shelf contained a dark red and blue World Book Encyclopedia circa 1950 or so.  Many a school assignment was completed using that particular resource.  An encyclopedia scent would emanate from pages that had maybe never been opened before. The more often visited pages smelled of peanut butter and jelly.

Next to those book shelves was the best part of the room.  It was a traditional single hung sash pane window that opened to…not the great outdoors…but the living room.  Yes, an outside window stood inexplicably between our TV room and the living room. I used to open it every once in a while just because I could and I thought it was really cool.

I was probably 30 before it occurred to me to ask my father about the window.  He told me when the house was being built the TV room was meant to be a screened porch and he changed his mind and asked for a regular room.  The contractor told him the window was already framed and my dad said “What the hell, leave it in.” That made it even more cool.

I met a real Freedom Rider today: Max Pavesic

He was a Freedom Rider in 1961 and he "and 14 others, black and white, held their ground in a “whites only” waiting room in a train station until they were charged with a breach of peace.

Nonviolent but defiant, the Freedom Riders were hauled off to a maximum security prison and held there near death-row cells for the misdemeanor crime." (Source Bonner County Daily Bee)

I admire Harville Hendrix.  he is founder of Imago therapy which is a widely accepted modality for couples therapy.  I am a believer in his theory, but that's not the sole reason for my admiration.

Harville Hendrix was a professor teaching couples therapy to psychology students when he was divorced.  In fact, her went from the courthouse to teach a class. Here he was, an expert in the field of partner counseling, in a failed marriage.  As it turns out his students knew where he was and greeted him with compassion.  A discussion about relationships ensued where each student shared personal details about past and present relationships.

At the end of class a student asked him what keeps couples together.  He answered: I have absolutely no idea.

That is why I hold him in such high esteem.  When a person regarded as an expert can say those words in the context of their expertise great powers are unleashed.  Having the humility to question ones self and to say so out loud is a great strength. Removing ego and opening the door to new ideas is where true innovation is born.

Over the next year he developed Imago Therapy and subsequently changed the lives of thousands of people.

So sometimes I'm an idiot.  Not a lot, but I'm entirely capable. This weekend I whipped up a major IRS/ Tax issue for myself.  I had nightmares about it - I was actually eaten by a whale.

Only a day or so after I blog about being annoyed with people that use the internet to support their crazy views...I do EXACTLY that!

I calmed down, checked my sources - found better ones and it turns out it was a false alarm.

Not only an idiot but hypocrite as well.

Cheers!

I love Facebook but I just despise people that post garbage from the internet.  Fake news. Fake science. Fake theories.  When are people going to wake up and figure out that just because something is posted on the internet DOES NOT MEAN IT'S TRUE!!!

Almost every claim can be checked out by Googling the subject and looking for legitimate sources.  For example the mayo clinic or NIH are pretty good sources.  For science issues scientificamerican.com or smithsomianmag.com.  For politics I like Politifact - I don't always agree with their conclusions but they show their sources of information.

It's a pretty good idea to check things out with sources that have widely acclaimed reliability.

In the past couple of days I've come face-to-face with a couple of conspiracy theories.

First: 911 Truth

What they claim: That the towers came down because of planted bombs and not the planes.  There was a massive cover-up.

When you present contrary data they: Claim the sources can't be trusted because they are either stupid or part of the conspiracy.

Protandim

What they claim: This pill you can buy for $45 a month can cure a variety of things the least of which is aging. They say the pills will reduce "oxidative stress" by 40% within 30 days." This is measured by a blood test that looks at a thing called TBARS (thiobarbituric acid-reactive substances). It does apprently work to lower this marker. But is questionable how much lowering this value effects your health. There are studies - but I can't find one that links health benefits to protandim in human beings.  There is one for mice though...

When you present contrary data they: Any criticism is arranged by the big pharmaceutical companies because they are terrified Protandim is going to cut into their business.  Also, I took protandim for a year and it did nothing for me but relieve me of about $500.  Both the company (when I called to cancel) and local protandim converts say the same thing:  "You won't know what the benefits are until you stop taking it and bad things happen."

Really??? So if I take it and good things happen, then protandim is great.  If I stop taking it and bad things happen protandim is great.  Oh and if I hear anything negative it's the drug company conspiracy.

This is the problem with conspiracy theories:  By their nature they reject any evidence contrary to what the theory holds.  If you find contrary evidence, then you have simply uncovered more evidence of the conspiracy.

I find it incredibly disturbing that intelligent people fall for this crap.  Don’t get me started on Obama birthers and climate change and evolution deniers!

My paramedic certification is about to expire and there is no way for me to renew it within the rules. I'm sad to see it go.

My post-op diet has changed over today to thick liquids.  Yea!  I am eating soup.  I love soup. I have never loved soup so much. I also get applesauce, sugar free pudding and protein shakes. Next week baby food and the week after REGULAR food!

I have had a few people reach out to me hungry for detailed information about my surgery.  I'm happy to provide that information to anyone.  If you think you might be interested in the surgery email me at robwakeley@gmail.com and I'll help you.  Don't worry, this isn't like satellite TV where I get $$$ for people I refer!

The basic facts:

Type of Surgery: Gastric Sleeve
Location of Surgery: Mexico
My surgeon: http://www.louisianavalenzuelamd.com/
Cost: $4,716 everything included - travel, taxes, medication, etc (my insurance paid $0)
How I would rate the experience (1-5 stars): 5 Stars

My little desk fan was making an unacceptable loud noise. I got out my tools and went about the task of fan repair.

I examined it from the front and top and saw nothing amiss so I concluded it just need some oil.  So off to the hardware store to get some oil.

I returned and found I could not get the oil on the shaft without removing the protective cover. I got my trusty screwdriver and removed it, oiled everything and then carefully turned it back on.  Same noise plus some oil spatter.  I decided to remove the fan blades just because I was out of ideas. I took them off, put them back on - tightened, loosened, re-tightened many times with no result.

When I removed the blades I noticed black marks on the back of the blades.  That led me to look more carefully and a saw where some black tape had come loose from the motor housing and was rubbing up against the blades. I cut of the excess tape and viola the noise went away.  Because it wasn't perfectly silent I continued to make multiple adjustments to the blades until I stripped the screw that held it on the shaft.  That made the fan perfectly silent because the blades no longer would rotate no matter what I did.  The fan was ruined.

What this got me thinking about is how often I listen to someone carelessly and go about helping them before I really know what's going on.  Had I really examined the fan thoroughly I could have snipped a piece of tape as the solution.  Instead I went ahead with my "fixing" recklessly and lost the fan.

What if I listened to my friends, family and clients with more patience...took my time and really heard them?  Maybe I could be of service to them instead of stripping their screws.

Happy Tuesday.

I had a very good session with a new client today.  There is few better feelings than being able to help someone find hope.

Started the morning with my new routine: walking a mile.  I stopped along the way to listen, smell and see nature all around me....took deep breaths...cleared my mind entered into the moment.  It's really too bad that shit didn't work today.

It's pretty hard for me to write about anything other than my surgery and the clear liquid diet.  Let me be clear.  I HATE the clear liquid diet.  If I met clear liquid diet on the street I would not hesitate to kick his ass. I would knock his brothy, protein drinky, herbal tea butt into next week.

They say one of the possible effects of bariatric surgery is irritability. I say screw them!

OK. I feel better now.

RESEARCH

If you're curious about what I looked at you can trace my steps on Google Scholar - there are many academic studies that do not require you to purchase them to see the results.  Gastric Sleeve is both the simplest and most effect surgery for BMI's with an average close to 45. According to the Mayo clinic the recommended BMI is 40 or higher the exception being 35-39.9 where there is also hypertension, type 2 diabetes or sleep apnea.  My BMI was 41.6 and have been diagnosed with both hypertension and type 2 diabetes and I do have minor symptoms of sleep apnea.

The evidence of improvement or resolving diabetes is very strong as with the sleep apnea.  There is moderate evidence that it improves hypertension.

There is also the "theory" that gastric sleeve surgery changes hunger by removing the part of the stomach that produces the hormone Ghrelin which regulates the sensation of hunger.  I say "theory" because there are plenty of patients that report a return of the old hunger after a couple of years.  I suspect that early on the body is not able to produce this hormone but eventually the body learns and adapts and re-establishes the ability to produce the correct amounts.  I consider this phenomenon to be a bonus head-start for me to learn the habit of eating less, better food.

So the surgery for me is a drastic assist for me to establish a healthier relationship with my body.  I have been a faithful 3 hour per week student of yoga - but no matter how long I practice there are certain limits my size places on me.  I enjoy yoga and I want to enjoy it more.

I'm also pretty lucky that I live with my brother and he has an amazing, large garden filled with all kinds of fruits and vegetables.  This year he even has bees.

It doesn't take much research to find out that many of the sleeve patients have a weight gain around the two year mark. Proof that old underlying cases of obesity cannot not be removed with a surgical instrument.  As a mental health therapist I know the size of the mental, emotional and spiritual transition I must purse to make a life lasting change.

First night out of the hospital in the hotel was very restless.  I had a very hard time falling asleep and felt slightly feverish, which worried me.  By the time morning came the fever had left and I felt good. The incision where the drain was was slightly sore and I would call it discomfort versus pain.  I was warned that the number cause of a return to the hospital was dehydration so I've been sipping fluids constantly.

I was able to hop on an earlier flight and was home before sunset.  At this point the only way I can tell I had the surgery is a lack of hunger and slight gurgling as I process liquids. Oh and the number 2 process is not pretty or fun. Enough said.

I slept comfortably night 2 out of the hospital in my own bed.

I paid $4,708 for someone to remove 85% of my stomach permanently. How do I feel about that decision?  I feel great - better every day. In Mexico I ran into people that had the operation years ago and are enthusiastic - other patients I got to know were influenced by people close them that had their lives changed by the operation.

Every time I do a thing today that's just a little harder because of my size I take great comfort in knowing that it will not be that way for me forever.  The more I consider my feelings about being obese the more I realize it's like being in a self-constructed prison.  My movements are limited and potential joy connected to some movements are inaccessible to me. When I say self-constructed I am not being self-deprecating.  My obesity was constructed by my DNA, body and mind in a way that made it close to impossible for me to overcome without outside help. That's not to say others cannot find a natural, more gentle way to find health, but this is about me and who I am and what I think I need to flourish.

I think there will be unexpected negative side affects to this surgery yet to be discovered but I am willing to accept all of them as consequences for my decision. My best information tells me the benefits will far outweigh the potential problems.

Today is my birthday. I am 55.  It is also the 55th anniversary of the death of my mother, Clara Wakeley.

After leaving the hospital and letting us get settled in the Hotel, the driver took us for a tour of Tijuana which for me was highlighted by taking us for the best cup of beef broth south of the border. After nothing but ice chips and Gatorade for 2 days it was pretty good.

Overall I feel pretty good - slight soreness where the drain was and it's a bit of a chore getting enough liquids in. No hunger at all - which is as expected.  Clear liquids until next Wednesday, then heavier liquids like smoothies -the next Wednesday mashed up food and then finally regular food.

I wasn't sure i was going to write about this but I just made up my mind.  I just had  bariatric surgery this week. I had a "Gastric Sleeve" procedure which is simple, yet dramatic.  They go in and remove 85% of your stomach and staple up what's left.

I'm 55 years old 5'10" and just weighed in at 290 pounds and have been diagnosed  with Type 2 Diabetes and Hypertension.  I have tried weight loss programs several time where I have been successful in taking of as much as 60 pound at a time only to gain it back plus more over time.

Having someone cut into your body and remove the majority of a major critical organ is pretty damn extreme.  I saw my future and it was grim and I was determined to do something about it once and for all and decided this is what will give me the best chance of sustained change in the weight, eating and exercise.

Ready for the next shocker?  I had it in Tijuana, Mexico at the Mexican Bariatric Center.  Not only does my insurance not cover bariatric  procedures it expressly forbids them.  I guess they would prefer to pay the ongoing costs of my hypertension and diabetes.

The cost of my surgery including airfare and a really nice hotel was $4,708.  No kidding.  That was everything including tax.

My surgeon has done of 2500 of these procedures and in 2014 boasted no complications - zero.  The entire time I felt like I was being waited on in a 5 star hotel.

My surgery happened early Tuesday afternoon and today is Thursday at 10 am and I am plain and discomfort free.  The day of surgery there was some pain associated with my drain but it was bearable and totally relived once it was removed.

I ran into several people working down here that had the surgery a few years ago and they all seem thrilled.

I am on a clear liquid diet for the next week and then thicker mixed concatenations the following week and then on to solid foods.  I will keep updating here.

Bone broth. Yep today I'm talking about bone broth.  I took a class this morning on making bone broth and the benefits thereof. There is a raging debate on the web about the extended health benefits of bone broth. Some experts say the stuff ain't no big deal and others claim it's the latest and greatest boon to health since the plate of mashed yeast Woody Allen ate in Annie Hall.

I'm not going to take a side in the debate but I do have an opinion.  I'm about to embark on a 2 week medically mandated liquid diet and I've been looking for liquid gold and I think I found it today.  No matter what side of the bone broth fence you sit on we can all agree on the basics from the label of an organic beef broth can. In one cup there 9 grams of protein and 35 mg of sodium and I'll bet the homemade variety has far less sodium.  Nothing else, no fat, no sugar, no carbs.

So what's the big deal to me?  There was none before the moment about half way through class when she doled out little paper cups to taste the broth. The moment was not unlike a bored Simon Cowell waving cell phone salesman Paul Cotts onto the stage to sing some opera. If you have no idea what I'm talking about then take a look:

That's how freaking good the bone broth was. That is all.

The teacher today: Sarah Rusnak Facebook Page

I've been thinking about stuff today.  My brother was reading a article in National Geographic this morning with this title: "Why Do Many Reasonable People Doubt Science?"  Reasonable people doubt the validity for global warming, vaccines, evolution and even fluoride.  The small, progressive city I live in (Sandpoint, Idaho) removed fluoride from the water supply in 2010. I'm not going to waste time talking about how ridiculous that decision was.

I wonder how we now define the term "reasonable people"? For every scientific fact in existence you can find a crackpot website that claims it to be false or worse yet part of an Obama, Islamic, communist, satanic plot to do all us good people in.

I think the title of the article should have been: "Why Do Idiots Doubt Science"?  They would save a ton of space by not having to print the rest of the article. It's all contained in the title.

That's my opinion.