Introduction to my new book:

The Art of Being Single

life between relationships

INTRODUCTION

We find ourselves single again due to separation by death, divorce or other circumstances that spell then end of a close partnership. Regardless of the reason, the time after the end can be as emotionally challenging as any other life circumstance. Whether the lost relationship was good, bad or otherwise it is in our nature to want to try again. Most of us are driven to partner up and go through life with a close companion. The choices we make in this realm have very high stakes. Some may argue the highest of emotional stakes. Too bad most of us suck at it.

Let’s talk about the D word. Divorce. Have you heard that 50% of marriages end in divorce? Me too. Ever wonder where that statistic comes from? Maybe not, but I’m going to tell you about our quest for that information anyway.

Here are some 2014 news headlines concerning divorce:

From the Washington Post: “Divorce is actually on the rise, and it’s the baby boomers’ fault”

From the Christian Broadcasting Network: “Divorce Shocker: Most Marriages Do Make it"

From the New York Times: “The Divorce Surge is over but the Myth Lives On.”

There are a plethora of sources on the subject including U.S. Census Bureau and even the C.D.C. has information. Some sources say it’s getting better and some say it’s getting worse. “There are lies, damn lies and statistics” a quote attributed to Mark Twain. Does it matter? A poll of our friends and relatives says divorce is alive and well. There are lots of them for sure.

In 2012 Psychology Today ran an article that has been widely quoted. “The High Failure Rate of Second and Third Marriages” in which the author states that first marriage divorce rates are 50%, second marriage divorce rates are 67% and third marriages are at 73%. Why? Well there are no government approved statistics that can answer that question. We have an educated guess: People are emotionally wounded after the end of a significant relationship and no one (almost no one) likes feeling emotionally wounded. These people do the most natural and obvious thing; they go and find another partner as quickly as possible to stop feeling wounded and resume feeling joy. Here’s the problem: This tactic works well for lost pets and not so much for lost people.

Do not misunderstand us; we love pets. We love cats, dogs, gerbils and goldfish. But as emotionally fulfilling as man–animal relationships can be, they are very different and far less complicated than human relationships. The loss of a pet may often be quickly resolved by the quick bonding with a new pet, but finding a compatible human partner is a much more onerous task.

This book is about the journey we undertake from the time we find ourselves at the end of one meaningful relationship to the beginning of the next. It turns out how we experience this time is critical to our success or lack of success in the next relationship. We are not a dating book, a “celebrate being single” book or a guide to finding your soul mate. This book explores feeding your heart and soul in ways that lead to joy in life while standing the light of your own person. Standing alone so that you may enter into a new relationship that will create something that exceeds the sum of the two of you.